giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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