I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
