We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
