this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
