take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
