We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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