how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
