DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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