This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
