I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I wear drunk well.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
