Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
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Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
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You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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