I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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