if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
