I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
