I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i drank out of a bidet.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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