Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
