When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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