On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
