just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
