For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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