you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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