There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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