Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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