Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
this hospital has no fireball
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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