OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
