awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
