Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
