I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Actions speak louder than pants.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
