I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
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It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
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well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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