I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
