Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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