Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
