And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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