my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
