I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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