Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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