The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
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He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
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mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
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