**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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