tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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