And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
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