She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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