hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
