my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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