were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
