how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
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How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
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Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize