I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize