i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
