you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
