gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
