Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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