so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Walk of Shame today included voting.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
