Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
