my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
