her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
