woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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