Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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