I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
