I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
