soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
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You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
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If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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