I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
