I wish I only lived at night.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
