i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
