Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
