im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
