It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
