I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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